I’ve been spending way too much time recently thinking about how different my life would be, if only...... If only you were here with me to share some of these heavy, day to day burdens heralded in by this ghastly recession and too little: support, time, opportunity, money, energy. If only you were here to savor the sweetest little girls ever... your granddaughters. You would delight in their happy outlooks and inquisitive minds. When I close my eyes, I can see you and the relationship you'd have with each one of them. Sydney would be your co-conspirator, partner in crime; the two of you exploring, being ornery together. Sydney tries it all, just like you. Alex.. you would torment her... like you did Christi. She’s the sensitive one, just like Christi. She's the one with the soft little voice and spirit. And, she too would come to know, just like Christi, that your challenging her helped her to acknowledge her intelligence, hone her many gifts. The two of you, in reality, were so much alike. Sometimes seeing ourselves reflected in another is the perfect mirror in allowing us to discover the brightest facets of the prism of our personalities too. Oh, my... And, Cameron would be your little love bug. She'd make you laugh, and laugh at your silly jokes too. She would help you see the world as it should be seen; simply and delighfully with her awareness and innocent wisdom. You would be so incredibly proud of both Scott and Christi. The kind of parents they are and the kind of compassionate and giving human beings they’ve become too. They're just like you with their community and volunteerism efforts, something I never really shared with you. You knew I was better one on one, helping people in a quieter, more private manner, and you honored that. Maybe that's why we made such a great team. We both couldn't take center stage. It would make you beam to see the desire and contributions of this lovely young family of yours, towards a better community, and better world. I hope it would make you smile in knowing that I've finally opened up to the world some too, sharing my experiences with the intent of helping someone else in their journey.
I thought about all of these things, today, especially. How many adventures would we have had... How much of the world would we have seen by now? Would we be working together towards our common dream of business ownership or even be business owners now? Would our home be a haven and reflection of us, a place where others felt comfortable stopping by too and sharing in our good fortunes? Would we have stayed true to our plans to make a difference in this world by continuing to be the change we wanted to see? Would we still be traveling down similar spiritual paths? I know we would still be celebrating a family of fabulous July birthdays in the signature Mahoney style, those big Irish celebrations of life. I miss throwing those parties.
It would take a large notebook to list all of the things I miss about you. I think if I could only pick one, it would be the way you made me feel... always... in your presence. Safe, valued, supported... adored. You called forth the very best in me, and asked only one thing... that I love myself too and let my light shine.
This morning, as I sat in the spot where you took your last breath, I prayed so hard for you to just touch in. Give me some advice. Tell me what to do next so I can let my light shine and make you proud, make me proud and leave a legacy of a happy life filled with integrity, goodness, and joy when its my time to depart this earthly plane.
I know you are near. I just heard your voice, shushing me, reassuring me, letting me know heaven has heard my prayers. I just need to rest quietly and watch for the signs. Watch and listen.... The answers do come along with the rain, in the persistent pounding of the waves on the beach, the blossoming of my poor little half dead flowers, that confident little red cardinal staring me down from the kitchen window, and inside a spectacular full moon.
Until we meet again, I will look for you with my heart. I know it is then you will come. Like the rain. Sometimes gently preceded by signs...the soft smells of nature and the cooling air: I'll know you are on your way, slipping easily into my thoughts. Other times surprising me with a downpour and intensity, chastising me for spending way too much time, dwelling on the what-ifs instead of celebrating and being grateful for the what was and IS.
If only you were here? You are.
Happy Birthday my love....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crTc1V34m8gIf only you were here? You are.
Happy Birthday my love....
(Thank you my precious daughter for sharing this perfect Tracy Chapman song with me! It does indeed say it all....)
